My Blog

I knew that my vocal sux compared with all the other finalists. Yet, I was not to be discouraged, get beaten n go home with 500 bucks. I knew I had to do sumthing extraodinary extraodinarily well. And with the song "Don’t phunk with my heart", many have witnessed the surprise of the century right in Zouk on 23rd of Sept 2005.

I was kinda depressed earlier that I did not win the 1st, 2nd nor 3rd but at least I won the best showmanship award, which was kinda tough seeing that the rest did quite a good job showing their talents too. Should be proud that I even got into finals coz only after the semi-finals, I discovered that 500 ppl actually went for the audition and only 20 got into semi-finals. And I was one who got into finals. If I wasn’t one of the best, hw could I possibly get in?

Coz I am deeply influenced by wrestling, my life is also all about winning titles. I won 2 titles bck then n today I have got myself a new title. Later, I would go on n win Mr. World, Mr. Olympia & Mr. Universe!

All in all, I did enjoy performing with a talented bunch of coolies & coolios coz they were damn good. They brought me sweet memories & I shall cherish them forever. I would never forget us singing "Let the music heal your soul" and dancing that "jungle song" together…I love you guys. *Hugz*

My friend called me up, asking whether I was interested in taking part in College Icon. I asked what it was and he explained that it was similar to College Idol. Of course, being "King", I was not to reject.

Basically, right after the pageant showcase in Monash concourse area, I took taxi to HELP institute for the audition. I was impatiently waiting for my turn. I wasn’t too pleased coz when I was at Monash concourse area, my friends who were there did not cheer for me. Of course those cheerleaders did a very good job of keeping silence too. I went up there and my friends, now I dun call them frens no more, did not cheer. Made me embarrassed. Made me feel like a fool. It was the day I realised that I could not depend on my friends at all on matters like that.

Then my turn was up. Confident, I went up, did my job and the 2nd day, I was informed that I was in the College Icon’s semi-finals.

But the finals fell on the same day of Monash Ball so I had to decide which one to go. At 1st, I was more willing to go for ball coz since I started with Ball so should’ve ended with it. On thurs, before 4, I had to confirm with the College Icon’s organizer. If not, I would be disqualified. I din know I was stupid or what. Coz I was weighing the benefits of both. But how ignorant I was! 12k was the 1st prize of Wrigley’s College Icon. Y should I even have considered? Not that the 2nd & 3rd prizes sucked! But then I thought: Monash Ball got Blitz modelling company and sponsor from Topshop. After hesitating much whole nite, I still couldn’t make up my mind. The next day, I was still thinking bout it. Then at 3.45 I was like shitt…What should I do? The organizer said: "Dude, y dun u think so much about Finals? Maybe u can’t get in?" He told me that on Wed. I said firmly: "No, I would". Sounded cocky but that was the confidence I got. Then last min, I said: "Yes I am in!" He said: "I was juz about to look for some1 to replace you".

I thought that if I could get into finals, I would pull out from pageant then. I was still a blur ass until I read someone’s blog and realized that I had been bad mouthed like hell. She said that I did not respect her etc. Thing was I had always respected her, and appreciated what she had done by getting Blitz company as sponsor etc. But from then on, the respect for her juz went down to drain coz she mocked me in her blog and said that she would personally kick me out of the pageant if everything was up to her. It was then I felt nothing but disrespect and despise.

I did not know all that until that very nite on Thurs. I was wrathful. Then it was that day that I made a very firm decision not to go for Monash Ball for these organizers have no brains. Pageant is pageant. Performance is performance. Both would be judged separately and they were afraid that it would be unfair coz I would gain extra advantage by performing. I mean the other nominees could perform as well if they felt unfair but they shouldn’t stop me from performing. Anyway, I was pissed and I swore that I must get into finals no matter what.

Rumor always has it that Monash Ball sux and I couldn’t agree less when I went for it last year. And this year, I thought sumthing better was up. But now that I heard from all friends, they said it was fucking boring. Well, luckily I did not go. Thing is, some ppl always complain that ppl not respecting them, not appreciating them n stuff. I too was someone like that. But I learnt that respect can’t be demanded. Appreciation can’t be forced. And if u were to have such a hot temper, I would suggest you to step down. If you could not withstand such pressure of organizing activities, beat it and let someone else do it.

I used to organize trips and found it problematic as friends did not wanna give full cooperation. They caused me trouble, exhausted my patience and got me ablaze. And what did I do? I bad mouthed them, I scolded them, I mocked them, I insulted them. I knew it was their fault but I shouldn’t have done that. Being an organizer, I should have been gregarious. I apologize to all my frens that got mocked by me.

Anyway, it was some sort of misunderstanding n someone had to spread around and spoil my reputation. And that, is unforgivable. If u ain’t good enuff, step down. If u wanna be in that position, always do things with no complaints coz that is ur job!

Anyway I was determined not to go for Monash Ball. I wanted in the College Icon’s finals badly. On the day of the semi-finals competition, I was the 13th contestant outta 20. Long before it was my turn, I was pacing up and down backstage. I was nervous for it was my 1st time ever singing on stage. For the acting and dancing parts I was ok.

Then it was my turn. I made some heartbeat sounds, saying that I needed that to calm myself. Hell no. I lied. That was juz to impress the judges and crowds, of how closely I could impersonate a human’s heartbeat. After that, I wanted to add that: "I got the height of Jay Chou, 175. Some ppl said that I look like Jay Chou. But believe me, I can rap like Jay Chou". That was cut. I din get to say that coz the song had begun. So I was up raping 三年二班. But I saw weird stares fr audience coz I think many of them din quite understd what I was singing. But I saw some Jay Chou fans jumping in joy. Damn! I think I sucked! But fortunately my acting and dancing got the crowd high.

When they were about to announce the result, I was fucking nervous. I knew I screwed my singing. But I knew I did well for the other two parts so there was a tinge of confidence in me. Yea I was in!

I swallowed that anger all in me, and turned all that into sumthing great. I kept telling myself: "Turn those emotions into sumthing powerful"  and I did.

Baby, I was in the finals of College Icon 2005!!!! 20 semi-finalists n I was 1 of the 11 finalists!

Today my friend admonished me to be a man of dignity. He said I shalt never be a despicable man, draggin’ myself down to the same level as some class A fools. What he said is right. Ppl have always told me that n I think today would be my 1st day practicing this noble value.

Probably there was some sort of misunderstanding but initially when I was called up, I was supposed to perform. Well, being outta action for a year, I was immediately excited over the idea. On that very nite, I had all that planned out. I wanted to make a hit, as usual. I always do. Never had I failed.

I thought of doing MJ again. Then all of the sudden flinging off that outfit n switching to melbourne shuffle. But the next day a sad news was delivered n performance had to be canceled due to other nominees who did not want to perform.

One message to all the nominees: You wanna be in you’d better be sporting. Ppl voted u for a reason. Probably bcoz u have good looks, probably u r cool. Whatever it is, u dunno hw to sing, u dunno hw to dance, u dunno hw to play with nunchaks, u should put on a show. Ppl expect u to be on stage doin something instead of cat walking. I was nominated bck then n when they asked me to put on a show, I said I would go for it. Not that all my life had been centered on stage n I knew wat to do. I knew nuthing. But I had that goddamn courage. I was nervous when I was up but I finished the show n won my damn title. What can I say to u nominees? U wan an easy way out. U juz wanna be out n let other ppl vote ur pretty faces. Sorry dudes, u ain’t my standard, u ain’t competent n this ain’t my game. But if u wanna compete in physical appearance, I have no prob with that. I m a guy who goes for both. But I care more bout talent. So if u ain’t got the talent or the balls, take a hike!

I requested to perform for showing my pretty face ain’t givin’ me any satisfaction. Then they said that if I really wanna perform I could go for audition for performance. But there wouldn’t be performance for pageant. So I wrote my name, happily submitted the form n got a phone call real soon to confirm our appointment.

And yes she did mention that there wouldn’t be performance for pageant. But they also did say IF I really wanna perform, I could go for audition. Then later, I asked whether I could perform for that cheerleading showcase, he said cannot. He said all pageant finalists were not allowed to perform. Then I thought: "But they said if I really wanted to perform I could go for audition". Summore ppl called me up to confirm the time of audition. So I asked this fella. Could I perform for the ball then? He said no. And it was then that I said: "what the heck?"

I asked him,  he said no. I asked the activities chairperson, she said no. I only asked once. But some1 had to write in her blog that I bugged her like million times. Fuck u! I only asked once, most twice. If dun wanna give I m fine with that. I hate bugging n begging. I called some1 up to ask if she could talk to the activities chairperson since she was so unnegotiable.

All this process is actually nonsense, rubbish that I do not wanna bring up. What mattered most was that I was nominated. According to that gal, I got quite a no. of votes. Dunno who voted me. But some assclown said I nominated myself. N some nincompoops insulted me, saying that Zach, another handsome nominee is better than me, better looking, more charismatic and so on. And a bitch had to say to my fren: "Is there no other better looking guy for u to vote?"

Msg to all these bitches: 1st of all, I blif ppl do support me that’s y they voted me. N if u do not support me, fuck off! But u wanna insult me n all. Lemme ask u a q. Did u even get nominated? One of u lost the fucking competition bck then! Sorry to say but still u r a loser. I won n this time I was in again. U jealous? No u r juz envious! If I was lousy what r u? I think u worth to be juz next to some rubbish bins then.

Whatever it is, I got nominated n after an interactive session, I got into finals. Only 5 outta 10 got in. Lucky? No. I earned it. I thought: "Mr. monash, here I come!"

Being the greatest competitor of all times, I always had a plan in mind but a right time was the key for me to implement it.

I knew that I had fallen and I knew I always stood a good chance. Coz in all areas, I glisten. And today I have juz been extracted from soil a diamond, covered with debris, but polishing is on the way. I took a flight to where I am today and tomorrow I would be in a different height.

I knew they would be gone sooner or later. My time was yet to come. I just needed patience and not impetuousity this time. I could not afford to do that no more. I knew I must have self control. I knew I had to build a better tomorrow. I knew I had to be like a scorpion under the rocks, and strike when the right prey passes by.

And just as I thought I could wait, things aren’t the way they used to be. Things changed drastically. I was dumbstruck and I knew I was late.

I did not have my chance to speak up. I did not have the opportunity to carry out my actions. Did I fail? I am just too slow too furious. I held back my passion earlier and now I am holding back my tears for that.

It was a fair game and I got my chance. But I was too considerate and wanted the best for us. And in the end, it had to ruin not bcoz of me but in the hands of someone else.

Nevermind. I walked off like I always did. It wasn’t the 1st time anyway. I am too used to that. I am still a great competitor. Just that I did not charge and win the battle. I did not fight.

I will always smile. Probably this is not my world. I do not belong here. The sun above me is still tepid. I open my wings and levitate.

They say patience is virtue. But this time it wasn’t. Sometimes I have to just do it. It doesn’t really matter.

But still I dare not strike. I do not want an ending full of grief. I wanna ensure that Avril’s happy ending I get. What should I do now? What can I do now? Probably one day I would regret what I am doing today. But if the story runs outta script, I know I would have to hold back my tears one more time and after that, I do not know whether I am still a man.

Speech is silver, silence is gold. Is it true again? Situations will always prove me wrong or right, I know. Do something or nothing, either way could spoil it.

I stare into my cup of cuppucino, watching those faces in my coffee. Then at last I see my own reflection, shimmering as my hand shakes the cup. I take a sip and reminisce about those days. But life still has to go on and when the cup of coffee is empty, I am no where to be found on my seat.

At that hour, he wasn’t supposed to be there as nobody was except some ppl staying in condo. He was alone and I knew that he was expecting that slut.

After hearing from friends about this imbecile nincompoop who wants to taste this sordid bitch, I decided to know about it first hand. I swaggered, as I always do, to his seat and asked him why he was there alone.

Such spontaneity of his to say that he was revising some sort of homework. For what? I asked. Exam? He said it was for assignment. That liar had the audacity to fabricate that to conceal what his real intentions were.

So, I opened my file and pretended to do my work too. Like there was such urgency, he shut his file and rushed off, murmuring a goodbye. What a sanctimonious asshole! And as he strode off, that prostitute who always offers herself to everyone to fuck her pussy came into the picture in vicinity and as usual, she coquettishly greeted him and he also showed much infatuation, like he was in cloud 9.

He thinks he is smart, he thinks he is great but I say he is a half witted son of the bitch who has a brain smaller than homo sapiens. He is about to fall into that bitch’s trap again, like how I did. I attempted to save him but he would soon realize that his day of demolition is not far from our sight.

Cool as he always is, with few words, and a stare as if he is on top of the world, this guy has not accomplished a single thing that could make me proud. He is a punkass that would kiss my ass one day. Who did u think u were talking to? Motherfucker! I would beat your ass coz u lied! I wanted to aid but now I only hope you would be in the deepest pain that would cost you almost a lifetime to forget. And believe me, what I say always comes true. My friends knw it, I knw it, and whether you know it or not, you have been cursed by lucifer’s apprentice.

I couldn’t care much now. That pretentious femme fatale has long gone nothing to do with me. I will always be that determined die hard achieving what is in store and she would always be that solicitor, to be banged hard in the pussy, until it is infested with maggots. Sometimes we can really tell what kind of life a person would have in future, by juz looking at what he or she is doing today.

As what I have always cursed about her, she would for eternity be walking in circles, to be despised, to be mocked and to be stomped on like a worthless cockroach. I also dunno y I always have to feel pissed about seeing her. It has already been an immediate response for me to have anger whenever I see some obnoxious numbscars.

All I have to do is juz focus on what I have been doing and just lead my life. I dun even have to bother spying on her coz after a period of time when I look at her again, I guarantee that she is not far away from hell. And I juz do what I always do, and I see one more time, she would be in deepest despair. As much as people would like to perceive her as an angel, the day when her tail reveals is not my business to disclose. I juz have to sit and wait for that fake mask of hers to melt.

I am not a guy who likes to let things be but I guess I have to learn, just like I am also learning girls’ natural talent - multitasking. My efforts would be redundant in every way, I must remind myself. I do not have to do a single thing to make sure that evil is annihilated. And not that others would have to do too. We don’t have to, trust me. Coz she is a self destruction machine.

She seems to be protecting herself from every way. But that action itself, is killing her.

I think if I ever see her again, I am juz gonna grin and think: "What?" Then I would begin to laugh and laugh and laugh, knowing that another evil is balanced out, to make her walk out of this distinguished arena of life with tail in between her legs. Good prevails and she would weep in the shadows. Nobody would even show a tinge of compassion, for whatever that she would be going through, it was herself who began it with, so she shall face the music, and rot in hell with the consequences of her actions.

And when that day arrives, it is her so called demise. The physical mass still exists but the spirit is amputated. To heal, it is impossible. To die, there is even no strength for her to do so. And there is a whole lot of suffering that would come like waves to hit her again and again until she vanishes.

And at that time, I’d not knw anything at all, coz I am on top of the world, minding my own business. Not that I did care anyway in the first place. Whisper ppl may to me, but I feel nothing, coz I cursed or rather predicted this bck then, and today there is no surprise at all to see destruction going on. I would probably even smile, coz it is a destruction to evil. We all love to see evil die at the end of the story…

When is it gonna dissipate? When is it gonna leak? "No, it is not gonna, boy," Lucifer grins maliciously.

"You have to take all that emotions and turn it into something powerful. You gotta convert them, just like energy cannot be destroyed but converted into other forms of energy," He whispers.

"Leave that injury alone, you know you got astounding rejuvenative strength. Why do you have to keep scratching that wound and make it open up again? Well, I know why. Coz as much as it hurts, you dun wanna forget it."

"But let me tell you sumthing brother!! That ain’t even worth to remember! Mind you look forward instead of back. The world behind closes off each time you take a step," He snarls.

"I ain’t God but I also only assist people who wanna assist themselves and I encourage you to do what you want to do coz you will always know what is best for you. I am here juz to straighten things up"

But…

"You know what to do…Just do it…Hahahaha!"

"Bcoz he was there for me when i needed someone most," Succubus’ breath was like pungent metana piercing my nose.

I made a leap into the air and somersaulted to make a landing but before that, my rival swayed his sword, splitting my arms and legs, and I fell onto the ground, amputated. I cursed him with hatred and with rage I crawled uphill. I was implanted with new hands and legs, rejuvenated, only to be informed the calamity that has befallen my beloved. Hiding under the mask, my tears came down filling the mask like an aquarium and it was too late.

I scuttered from the spot. I could not believe what I saw. I did not want to accept the fact. But fact was in my mind, idling and idling until resistance had become weak. And it was when I switched to third gear, tears could not be held back. I pulled over and pressed my face against the steering.

Recharged with hope, I pushed open the hall’s door, only to be greeted by reality. Reality was that it was too late. She was there, and I was there to watch her embark on a new journey. Remorse came after disappointment. I shook my head and walked away, knowing that this time things could not be undone.

I now pluck the thorns out of me, feeling agonizing pain each time a thorn is rooted from my flesh. Blood splashes when I do so, and I clench my teeth, not to alarm anyone. Nobody could see me. I do it in the dark. Under the spotlight, thick crimson blood flows and is seen. But the source of blood ppl do not knw. They could only hear objects dropping onto the floor and moans of suffering. The blood continues flowing into the light. They caught a glimpse of me when I pass by the light. They thought they saw a hideous being and I never thought I wasn’t.

Karl Marx was right. Everything in this world is substantiated by materials. I should have known. I bugged many times, for my rights. Towards them, I swear unextinguishable hatred, for they hamper my growth, they exacerbate matter and I could only masturbate. If I had that tool, I would have gotten far, farer than I could imagine. This time I bear no more. This time I swear that they will rot in hell. For two years, they caged me like a prisoner. This time, if they decline again, I swear I would retaliate, sting them and pump all venom into them, even if it means I have to die. I would make their lives a living hell. There shouldn’t be any guilt in me.

It is just the beginning…

What is left is two streams of perishing tears gushing down my face, wetting the keyboard as I look at the screen. I wish I could. I can only imagine myself cry, that is as far as I can go.

I do not know how long this will take. It took me about one year to heal, and at least half for wounds to close up. My eyes did not lose their incandescence. In fact, they glow now, coz tears reflect the light.

I have no right to do that coz I do not even know how to take care of myself. I do not have that right, I do not have that priviledge, I do not have that authority, I do not have qualification. I am disqualified, expelled and suspended from that field. But for god’s sake this time things are still within control. I did not run amok. I did not lose my head. I did not get into any outrageous act, or did I? Yes I did. I did a little, not too extreme, not too crazily, juz subtly and undetected. Did they detect? Won’t they suspect? No I am a master of disguise and I will soon become a great hypocrete, to be successful enough in the filming industry or realm of politics, or anywhere where superficial smiles are exchanged. I have acquired this great social skill. I have learnt to lie to myself.

I am perambulating to areas that I do not belong to. When I trespass those forbidden areas, penalty is imposed on me and it is to smash my heart with a sledgehammer. I expand my kingdom all the time and I realize I can’t conquer the world. Like a snake I slither through a maze but there are walls all over me and I can’t pass through those walls.

So again I back off and retreat, like a scullered dog I did. I have been travelling for a long time and yet no place suits me. Is it bcoz I suit no place? It then means I do not suit to exist.

Many times I slit my throat, I stab myself and I wish I was dead. But all in my mind I could only do.

It is over, here ends another episode, a tragedy or a drama. Curtains fall but those fabricated memories, those rigged thoughts continue haunting me, like a parasite that has taken over the house. If I was there, could it make a difference? Would it make a difference? My existence is non-existence and things are autonomous with or without my presence. I have got into a world where I have no influence. Flowers would still blossom, and one day they will wilt. I am just there to witness things happen. This time around I am a spectator.

I see my world crashing down. No I saw things go by, and I could do nothing and still nothing when they crashed down. Whether I did or did not, it was gonna crash down anyway. But the psychological impact was horrendous coz it was unexpected.

Wait a min, I could do it. I could go against my principles, to reach the unreached. I did it before, by stepping on my ego. My ego means more than anything else. I will always remember the day my heart is torn apart with no sympathy and left to bleed with no aid.

Now I will draw borders for my kingdom, for some places are better left untouched. If I enter the forests, though with intention to hunt, I am also subjecting myself to prey of orcs. My territory thus has new boundaries.

I know to grapple with oneself is an ordeal coz if you cut him, you cut yourself. You kill him so die you. But still I have to fight him. At this moment, I know that apparition of thoughts would return, to possess me and torture me like hell eating up my skin. But I shalt not yield. I am on the journey to greatness and tomorrow you will be forgotten. Yesterday you were gold, tomorrow like dust you will be, circulating around my shoulders and being blown away by wind.

After gaining what is in store for me, incubation period should also come to an end, for a new king will be reborn and I will raise my hands high in the air, feeling significant.

More or less you have understood that thing, and predicted its moves and all possible behavior, you know it is just another droid, ready to be eradicated. The goddess doesn’t lay in commonality, or maybe she does, but you have to search. I will and I will grow into a complete man soon.

As long as my heart pulsates, it bleeds. it bled profusely today, and I wonder hw much blood can be spilled. Probably now my heart is empty, runs on sumthing else and I feel cold all over…

There was many a time when my eyes were confined to the function of crying but somehow, the perseverance to be a man has handicapped my eyes, and I no longer can cry.

I was born a warrior, will live a warrior and die a warrior. I have lost too many battles and like a defeated Roman gladiator, my armor is broken, there are wounds all over and I kneel before the altar, contemplating.

I got better. And I swear to myself that I would fight till the end. I swear hard, I swear with my life, with everything I got, that I would still fight God, fight devil and most importantly myself. I have come this far and I gotta finish what I began. I will always break out of destiny coz I am a man of destiny.

Wrath overwhelmes and I have decided to walk the distance. I am not through, I have not given up. I never did. I will go on, and this time I curse myself to death, curse myself to break, coz I must do what I always do. If not to hell I shalt go.

Things always have to be in our paths so as to slow us down. I have been delayed, slowed down and knackered by unwanted obstacles. I will go on, coz I embrace the power to make it happen. There is where I belong, I knew it and I know it, coz no where else is a home to me. I have to leave behind all those unnecessary hurdles and I will annihilate them, causing them to be in eternal pain.

I know who I am. I do not have to tell myself all the time. There are times when we get weak bcoz we allow ourselves to. I always allowed myself to, to taste sorrow, a melancholy feeling which is pulling me bck. But like a spring I will bounce bck, always.

I got a vision and mission and tears do not flow but they blur my sight, and cause me to get lost in the wilderness of thoughts. I now know where my foes lie, in the shadows, at the corner, even sumtimes as near as before my eyes but this time, I will go eyeball to eyeball with them, stare into their eyes, until they vanish.

I will mark on their bodies and will hunt them down one day for their actions are unforgiven. I damn you, sanctimonious morons!

I have tried hard, I have made an extra mile, but in the end, I have to collapse onto the concrete floor of reality and weep like a child. I thought I was tough, yes I am, only on the exterior. Within is a fragile glass shattered into smithereens and I had to put the smile on my face no matter what bcoz I chose to be a man. I know the older generation has this great ability of concealing feelings or repressing them deep within them so as not to let them flourish. I been following their footsteps & refuse to comform to society’s weak side…

Of all the confidence that I try to build, every time it is demolished. Each time it is destroyed, and my heart is as if being pierced by daggers, bleeding inside, and the boy in me has to cry inside…I still rebuild every time I fall, not feeling hope but wanting to attain the feeling of hope so as to ascend to a higher level. But again, I slump onto this ground zero, knowing this time that I belong here.

I have modified what I had to, changed what I had to, turned over a new leaf too many times, until I got sick of myself. As I look into the mirror, I see two sad eyes staring back at me, as if soliciting my sympathy. And of great pity I always show this guy, comforting him not to lose heart, for fate is not fixed and the faith in happy ending must be strong. Both happiness and pleasure have to be sought, for they dun come to our lap. So in the shadows, I await opportunities and pursue those that I desire. Did I try hard enuff, I ask myself.

Yes I did. I lost again. And  have lost too much of myself for the pursuit of heaven. I thirst heaven and am dying for it but it never came, juz like a sperm swimming aimlessly for an ovum, which never did appear. I fail myself again and finally, the day of useless repentence is over.

I am always myself, which I can’t own strength that is not myself. I can only work on my strength and not weaknesses. I have to accept who I am, where I am from. If I am destined to be a devil so be it. Just like reincarnated Satan can’t erase the no. 666 off himself. I too have my code, which I have to adhere to and work within the confinement of such curse. It is also a blessing, so to speak. But it is a curse that I want a lot. It is greed, is it? Or not appreciating what I have?

Again, when night falls, I lay under the blanket of loneliness and depression, tossing round perturbed and insecure, curling finally with nightmares or unachievable dreams. Dreams keep me alive, but they slap me in the face too, telling me that they are not real. I wish it was true, that is the thought that I can always come up with.

Lastly, those feelings can only be oppressed, supressed and repressed, until the day of my demise. And who is there to light up the world anyway, for they can never find me in the dark. I can only work on pursuits that I do not want and never get what I like.

Tomorrow sun would still gleam, it never had the choice not to. I never had the choice not to radiate as well for every path that I take, one way or another, they all lead to one damned road, that I can choose to halt and rot or resume trotting, to the final destination.

I am tired of being myself…And I wish when I plunge into my deepest dreams, I will find serenity. Gone like a wind some things are, and to lament on their departure is self deminishing. Tomorrow never dies though part of me had decomposed. I must never turn back, but I always do, like fools and idiots of the world of mortals…

I am walking away, from the troubles though they will dwell on my mind forever…

If tongue is meant to communicate, hw come those words must be kept? If heart is a strong muscled organ, hw come it bleeds more often than any part of our body? If all ppl recognize me as a great guy, hw come I am so disabled inside? If I am king, hw come like a slave I am for myself?