My Blog

I have been rational, I have been too conscious all this while. I made a mistake back then & today I dun wanna repeat it.

There were flamboyant words that I used to speak juz like that, without filtering, censoring in mind. Once thought, once said. But today, I dunno why. I keep pulling back. I keep repressing myself.

I used to tell the whole world who I liked when I liked someone. That was too long ago. Then I started to only tell my friends. Today I tell noone no more, not even the person I have fallen in love with.

I feel insecure. I am not a guy who gets in and out a relationship juz like that. I know almost the whole world thinks that I am a player, not trustable and all girls shall shun me. But what is important to me is what u think about me and I know u trust my words, u trust my unspoken words, coz I never lie.

Probably I’ve been thinking too far but I am like that. I dun like to get in a rltship & not think about tomorrow. After all the injuries I went through, I am pretty much still myself. My principles are more or less the same. My love for my girl will not reduce. But something grows. And that is fear. I am afraid that today we are happy and tomorrow you are gone.

I dun wanna sing and play piano at your wedding, nor want I cry in the rain. I want forever love…But if it doesn’t happen, what am I gonna do?

I am afraid that I would hurt you. I am afraid that I cannot fulfill my promise, that’s why I din promise anything. Trust me, I am loyal and serious. I am juz afraid that things dun work out. As far as u r concerned, my longest rltship lasted 4 months.

Are you the right one? I always wonder. All I know is I like you. And I know I will fall deeper and deeper each day, until one day u may be able to make me weep like a baby, and abandon myself again.

I always listen to sad songs and imagine myself the guy who is devastated. Probably I am starting to or have already accepted this my fate, my destiny, my life that I would lead till the end of days.

You know I am great, but not God-all-mighty. I need you to work this out with me. I only have one wing, and will always flutter it hard until we reach heaven. But if urs flaps not as hard, we will still descend, and get battered.

I am not like other guys, though u can always categorize me as "male". I am a complicated being, which is both solid and vulnerable.

If until now, you dun feel pressured, you know what to do, and please tell me you know, I promise that you are riding on a black stallion, and your everyday would be sweet.

I do not want to rush though. You know what I mean. Please wait on me.

I really wish I could tell you words that I could juz blurt without hesitation last time. Ask me why, maybe I am just shy. I feel I am less romantic coz I imagine less. I am realistic, I am logical, I am juz too focused on some things today. Back then, I devoted my whole life n soul to my beloved. Today, my life consists not only you, and I wonder you would blame me if I dun do what I did last time.

But trust me, if I do what I did, you may be touched, but you may also despise. When I stay strong and masculine, tough and metallic, I may be unfeeling. I may detach from feelings. It may appear that I dun need you. Yes I can not need you. I can still live without u. But without u, my life would juz be a meaningless one, a course of a maverick, that I can share with no one.

I will always be myself, and you shall be you, but modification is essential if you wanna please me. I would please you too, coz I know one day, pleasing u is pleasing myself. And hurting you is hurting myself. I will be strong to protect you but I need your protection too. Bear in mind that my heart is made of flesh.

I want to know your views bout relationship. I wan ur thoughts in stream with mine, so that we got a common goal, that we both can work towards. But if u wan a girl as child and I wan a boy, that is another matter.

Communication is the key of a healthy relationship. I need u to whisper in my ears, murmur when you feel shy, and moan when you feel sick. Hide nothing from me, and I won’t hide nothing from you. This ain’t a game of hide of seek. I need honesty, sincerity, purity and integrity. You know what I mean.

Trust me, I am a pervert. But believe me also, sex or physical intimacy is 1 of my ways of showing how much I love you. But pls control me, not by kicking my balls though, coz u knw the importance of moderation.

If at the end of the day, you and I have to saunter diff directions, pls be gentle if u want south when I want north n it will always be for your own good if I wan to go west when u r heading east. I want the best for both of us.

You got a lot of learning to do n so do I. Endure we must if things get difficult. Give up "hardly" (not easily). Heads and hearts are always at odds. Know when to use which? To feel me, to feel sweetness, to feel my manness, use heart. To solve a quarrel, to understand what I talk on phone and to respond, use head.

Are those expectations, conditions or stipulations? Yes I do have expectations but those are guidelines.

Boo, I m not applyin’ no pressure. Juz wanna let you know, what I been thinking…

"There’s always that one person
That will always have your heart
You’ll never see it coming
Cause you’re blinded from the start
Know that you’re that one for me
It’s clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you’ll always be my boo"

"yo dude". "yo man," I replied. A few months before he made his return from UK, we were enthusiastically chatting on MSN about what we would do together.

Taller, he claimed he was, when he got back. But still a scraggy bloke he was, with a spiky hairstyle, that distinguished him from the days before he left. I had expanded horizontally, not to his observation, until I shook my booties in Atmos. All the suspense came to an end coz our plans were to commence in no time.

Initially, our motive of being in a club was to hook girls. Not taking them home but getting to know them. Frankly speaking, throughout his 3 months of holidays, we flunked to really get to know any.

Desperation or passion for girls was intense at first, but not for long. It faded, and became insignificant bcoz on consensus, deep down in us, we found it rather meaningless. Chics are in abundance on streets, in cafes, wherever and whenever. So he asked me if I knew Melbourne shuffle. I said I knew a smattering of it. Was not really into it yet coz R&B had always been my choice of music.

Ignited was my passion for shuffling, and I was at his house, for the very first time, wearing socks and practicing basic side shuffle. In Atmos, we were always at beginner’s zone admiring those experts, eyes bulged. Inferiority complex we had so that we barely shuffled. But 2 determined bastards were we, as we humbly picked up skills from experts.

We went to pd- a memorable trip. The funnest part was when we were in the car, with open windows, sticking out our heads singing "Tong hua" and "Ni bu zai" repeatedly. Deprived of slumber, I intended to doze off lying at the car’s backseat but 2 buggers in front blasted the radio and pierced my ear drums with their hellacious voice. I threatened to fart in car if they did not stop. They paused.

We did go to a filthy beach, to attack hermit crabs, like titans trampling on. At nite, what could be better for me than puffing a few sticks of Dunhill menthol light? I played mahjong with him and a crazy fella, forced them to the edge. But they grabbed me, made a reversal maneuver, or maybe a belly to belly surplex, that cast me off the cliff. I lost again, as usual. At least, these holidays, I was a tougher competitor. In the wee hours of morning, due to thorough exhaustion, all slumped. But the crazy fella and I were still sober, high on nothing, and still singing songs. What was best was when we brought that unchained melody from room to room, waking up those whom were sound asleep. Finally, even both of us, the song birds, slumped to dreamland.

When morning broke, vengeance was on the way. My door room creaked open, and 2 recharged fellas sang aloud "Ni bu zai" to return me the favor. They ain’t through with that. Pull away my blanket they did and found my pants unzipped. I was astonished myself. Did I unconsciously open my pants that nite? But in memory I did not do that.

If his house wasn’t solid, the crazy fella and I would have shattered glasses and brought down the house with our mellifluous voice. "Earth song" is Michael Jackson’s song. But we popularized it with a duet, that shook redbox, that got his parents coming downstairs in the middle of nite to check out which fella had gone cuckoo. Apparently, both of us had, not once, not twice, but too many times.

As time went by, our shuffle skills were polished. Fluidity, flexibility and coordination of hands and legs came like a snap of fingers. We then had the confidence to shuffle in expert zone.

The glorious moments for me were when we raised our glasses high in mid-air and banged each other’s, then gulping down the thirst-quenching beer, Jack Daniels, Chivas or whatever. That very much symbolizes friendship to me.

What we omitted to do was sparring and going to Loft. If he was here last year, he would have seen the "sacred" Rush. But today Rush is littered, not so much by rubbish, but the people. Loft is now well-known for its elegance & pretty chics. Wish that when he returns again, it will not be contaminated.

Time slipped through our fingers like grains of sand. There he was, leaving again. He gave me his unfinished bottle of Jack Daniels and I offered him a handshake. I shook his hand and a scorpion keychain was in his palm.

Before he went in and down the escalator, we hugged each other. Then he hugged the rest and his parents. I saw his mother’s eyes had gotten misty.

When I was driving to the airport, as fast as 160km/h I went, coz I did not wanna miss any second that we could spend. When I drove back, I felt my back facing him, coz I was going the opposite direction, drifting farer and farer away from the memory frozen at the escalator.

Those moments of drinking, clubbing and singing have come to an end. Bro, I would always wish you the best wherever you are.

When friends leave, it is inevitably saddening coz we have no choice but to slice present and future apart. The present goes as far as me saying goodbye and hugging you and it stops there. Present becomes the past. Then as the thread of future is flamed, you would be somewhere else, without me. And I would be here, building my life, without you. Nonetheless, I am quite optimistic about parting. Bcoz not that now we split, we could not stick history to the time in future when you return. Sometimes, yes, we cannot glue these two fragmented times together bcoz I may have changed and so have you. Things just aren’t the way they used to be. And that, is more saddening than parting, my friends.

New friends will always come, undoubtedly. But old friends are not to be forgotten, coz they are truest, most loyal etc. Maybe I would get new friends but are they as sincere as those whom I met in high school? People always said that as we step in society, we will meet all sorts of badasses. We do not have to step into the working world to experience that. In fact, as soon as I left high school, I have already set foot on a world with sugar toppings, and a shit hole is beneath it.

Those truest friends may think the same as me, coz probably they can’t really find any true friend no more…

Now that UK friends have left, a part of my world is forsaken, coz friendship temporarily stops. But I am looking forward to my Australia friends, who will be back soon.

During my days in pre-U, I had groups of friends but there was only one guy, I call brother. And brother, you know who you are. When you are back, let’s raise hell again!

For College Icon 2005, I would like to say Special Thanx to:

1)Clarence Chan Chee Keong- Compiler of minus 1 cd for semi-finals: i)三年二班 ii)晴天 iii)最后的战役 iv)我难过 v)一路向北

2)Matthew Wong Ju Yuan- Compiler of minus 1 cd for finals: Don’t phunk with my heart

Profile:

i)Mufy talent quest 2003: 1)My wrestling partner:- Impersonator of Y2J Chris Jericho. 2)Props manager 3)CD compiler/editor

ii)Sunway Ball 2003: 1)CD compiler/editor 2)Performance advisor

3)My boo, Nicole Chang Se Yee- Costume assistant for finals

4)Marcus: Transport provider/Organizer/Performance advisor

5)Anonymous (Winner of College Idol 2004’s best showmanship award)- Performance advisor

6)Friends/Fans who came to support: Those whom I saw: 1)Tan Ze Seng 2)Kelvin Wong 3)Yvonne 4)Chang Se Yin 5)Florence 6)Low Sin Yee 7)Nail clipper (Direct translation from mandarin) Don Hui 9)Dawn Lim Yin Cze (Ms. Malaysia 2005’s finalist) 10)Florence’s bf 11)Chan Kin Foong 12)Jeff 13)Jeff’s gf 14)Jien 15)Peggy Shim 16)Kok Seng Kiat 17)Shim Wei 18)Dave Chong Keat Wei (Iron man) & friends 19)All whom I did not see

7)Jeff- The guy who asked me to join this contest.

8)Mom & Dad

Mom’s profile- Costume manager for Mufy Talent Quest & Sunway Ball 2003

*Pls note that the sequence of no. does not denote the descending order of importance bcoz for every stage of the contest all of u played important roles & without any of u, I would not be the best showman today*