My Blog

I am supposed to be sleeping now because I want to form a good habit of sleeping early. I was resisting the temptation of blogging but I figured that it would take too long for me to resist it and finally fall asleep so I have made up my mind to blog and get things over with instead.

I will make this as quickly as possible because I realized that blogging is very time consuming.

A friend and I said a very long time before that we will come out and yumcha one day. I met her online yesterday morning so I asked her whether she would be free at night. She was busy so I asked her to text me later. She did call at night but did not confirm with me where she and her friends and I were going. So I waited till 9 something and called her back. Still she was not certain. She said she would call me back to let me know where they were going. And until this moment, she never did.

It would have been foolish if I waited for her. It was how foolish I was last time. It would have been unwise to text her to inform her that I ain’t going out already because it was late but I did not. If I did that, she might have heaved a sigh of relief because she did not want to go out with me in the first place. But if she did not want me to go out with her, she could have just told me. Not keeping silence.

It would have been very normal for me to feel angry. I usually get pissed at this kinds of things. Why did she not call when she said she would? It was so rude for her to disrespect me. I can find many reasons to exacerbate my anger but the question is: "Is it worth to be mad?"

I guess I have come to a point of life where I find anger very meaningless. It is a waste of time and what more with people who do not matter. Maybe getting angry with people who are close to me is reasonable but not with people who are jackasses and bitches. Not worth my time. And for some people in my life, you are not worth my time.

I was a little angry when I was treated that way just now. I told myself not to be because I choose my feelings but I was not sure whether I was doing it healthily. It seemed that I was repressing my anger. I know that repressing some negative emotions is a bad thing. It has an accumulative effect and one day it will just burst. If not, it will inplode and ruin myself. Either way, letting anger manifest in my soul is a bad thing. It may subconsciously deform and contaminate my soul, making me have a negative outlook of some sort, leading to actions that contradict my will. So, I have decided to keep everything at a conscious level.

Anger management is always easier said than done. I could treat a punching bag as that friend of mine and box until my anger is gone. Releasing my anger is much better than repressing it. But I have to find a healthy way to release my anger. The punching bag will be it.

Sometimes, finding the source of the anger is important. The chinese always say that 生气就是拿别人的过错来惩罚自己。It is indeed true. Instead of getting obsessed with my anger like I always do, I thought: "Why the fuck do I have any expectation from her anyway?" Think about it, she was not serious about going out with me anyway. I talked to her so many times about going out to have a drink and when had she treated it seriously before? Moreover, why get angry with her for not keeping her promise? Why am I being so strict with her? Why am I having expectations from her? Why am I having expectations from all the 1st class jackasses in my life? I should not. I should only be rigorous with myself and that is enough. Whatever these people want to live their life is their problem but they have earned my despise.

People always break their promises. That is their problem. People are being righteous. That is their problem. People are not serious. That is their problem. As long as I do not make the mistakes they make. I got angry with these people because I imposed my ‘rules’ on them. I should not even think about changing them unless they are important enough for me. As I always say: "It is not my loss anyway".

I should stop having expectations. Next time, another girl whom I will be going to invite for a drink, I will not expect that she will fulfill her promise. I do not want to have negative thoughts that she will not also. I will remain neutral. It will not be uncommon for me if she just acts like another bitch.

Most importantly, to also deal with my anger, I can learn to forgive others even though they are at fault. But being responsible should get me somewhere. Like this case, I could have detected that she was not serious so I should have predicted that things like this would happen. My fault, in fact. My fault for being stupid to believe that my 1st gf was an angel. My fault for not realizing how fat and ugly a girl was until she stripped herself naked. My fault.

I am surprised that I have forgiven some people in my life for it is uncommon for scorpios to do so. Knowing that unforgiving is one of scorpio’s weaknesses, I should do something about it. But I will still not forgive some people. I will take revenge. You can run but you can not hide. You had better pray that you do not bump into me because if I have had all the necessary equipments, you are as good as dead. But does that mean that I will think of vengeance all the time? Not at all. It is again a total waste of my time. I will only think and do it when I meet you. But who can run away from a scorpio’s naked eyes anyway?

I will resort to violence such as punching a punching bag only when thinking in a positive way to get rid of my anger will not help. But it will. Sometimes, I have to think about the meaninglessness of getting pissed. Sometimes, I have to think about how immature or irresponsible other people are. I can not expect much from others. I can only expect much from myself.

This entry has been completed in 50 minutes. It is the fastest record ever. I am no longer wasting my time. My sleep is more important.

It is limiting if one lives in his or her world all the time. Maybe my friend thinks that reading other people’s blogs is a waste of time as there are educational books available. Or simply, he is just not motivated to read other people’s blogs? Perhaps some blogs are mundane to him. Why are we doing what we are doing today? Are all the things that we do worthwhile? Why some people choose some activities while others choose different? Preference or personality are the most common ideas people can come up with. Sometimes, however, people do certain things because people find worth in them. But when people are doing things that they think are worthless, it is because of habit. Maybe they have formed a bad habit.

Why would some of my close friends not read my blog? Because they ‘think’ they know me well enough? My friends said that because he meets me quite frequent so there is no need for him to read it. Many people who are not close to me find my blog fascinating more than people who know me better. Maybe people who do not know me well find worth in my blog so they want to read it. They think that they may learn some valuable lessons here. But I guess nobody reads it because of habit. Maybe there is such person. I will not know until he or she admits.

Being a narcissistic man, I always focus on myself more than anything else. I crave for growth. I constantly seek to improve myself. I always think that if I am not able to conquer myself, how am I to conquer the world? If I cannot handle myself, not to speak of others. So, self-centeredness is my strongest trait. If I do not care about making myself perfect, who would? And who else in this world than me has a greater power to make myself perfect?

But there are contradictions for every reasonable thought in this world. My lecturer told me that the world does not revolve around me. I really got what he meant. Moreover, in ‘Barnyard’, there is a strong saying: A strong man stands for himself. A stronger man stands for others. I always think that I am not strong enough to stand for myself, let alone others. My lecturer said that maybe there is a need to rethink my life.

I have to step out of my egomania. I took the position of a reader, scanning a few people’s blogs and commenting. I no longer only blog and let other people read my stuff. It would be very conceited of me to only let others read my blog while I do not touch other people’s.

It seems that one is only most honest when he or she is in the cyber space. One pours his incessant thoughts and emotions at ease. But when these people meet face to face, they seem to have spontaneity, expression and authenticity impediment. I say bring this kind of honesty to face-to-face communication. Who is down with me?

When I began blogging here in 2005, I questioned myself the reasons I blog. Is it to entertain others or is it to serve myself? I reckon that there is a need to constantly ask myself why I blog because now that I have matured, the reasons may have altered. Superficially, writing is to express my feelings and thoughts. But there is a deeper level of meaning which I will elaborate not in this entry.

I never thought of this before but as my blog is gaining popularity (I deduce through the increasing no. of comments), I guess this blog could potentially be one that is multi-purpose. For all who have read and commented, thank you very much for your thoughts. I attempted to respond to your comments but could not come up with replies that are satisfactory. I feel that it is rude not to respond to comments because I assume that some of you are asking me questions? And you posted your comments because you want me to read right? If I do not reply, some of you may wonder whether I read your comments. Oh yes, I did! Every single one. And I am glad that my blog is mind boggling and impels some of you to think laterally or critically. Because of this, I sincerely hope that my future entries would serve your interests. Notice me using ‘hope’ here. It means that I would not intentionally write to serve you. But I hope while I organize my thoughts here, it would provide an insight or enlightenment to your life. And of course, I also hope you enjoy reading it.

Indeed, this is a multi-purpose blog but please forgive me for its selfish objectives. There are purposes of me writing here and the last thing I want is to be restricted like a celebrity.

Celebrities seem to be powerful but they are actually puppets. They are influential because people want to listen to their music, watch their movies and know their personal life. But audience only want to listen to what they want to listen, watch what they want to watch and know what they want to know. Fans want to listen to a certain kind of music so that Jay Chou has to constantly produce that sort of music to flatter us. Fans want to know that Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt, the macho and sexy male. If he tries to be himself like how Tom Cruise has been attempting to (with his religion Scientology), his fame would turn into notoriety. Who holds the power? Not the celebrities. The fans.

Jay Chou was once an original and creative celebrity, in my opinion. But as he has become famous, his work is inclined towards pleasing the audience more than creating a sophisticated work that contains evidence of growth, maturity or improvement and new stylistic components. Every year, he produces an album to sustain his popularity. He feeds the audience with what they like. David Tao criticized both Jay Chou and Li Hom for being too commercialized and not focusing on producing quality and original music. David Tao only produces an album every few years. Li Hom was like that but now I think he is becoming like Jay Chou, producing music that serve the interest of the audience. I guess the driving force is money and fame. They do not seek for real personal development and originality anymore. They are mass producing what they have had, not allowing themselves to take a rest, contemplate on personal development and grow. How is one to grow when he is busy all the time with replicating something? More precisely, how much can a person grow when he only thinks about producing something to serve the interests of the audience? Celebrities act and talk in a ‘cool’ way so that audience would like them. Or once upon a time, they were just themselves but as people started to like them for who they are, they have to constantly act or speak in the frame or compound of the audience’s liking to maintain people’s admiration towards them.

Maybe it is also because it has become a ’safe’ formula for them to do something again and again and over and over. They do not dare to risk trying something new. For me, how many times had I impersonated Michael Jackson? 4 times altogether. That is why Monash Ball would be the last time I ever wore a Michael Jackson suit. It is time to move on. In fact, last year I moved away from Michael Jackson to my own cheorographed modern dance.

There is a discrepancy between blogging what I want without knowing people read my blog and knowing people read but still blogging what I want. For example, you have sex, feeling totally at ease because you know that nobody is around. But when you suddenly realize that somebody is watching, you would still continue having sex anyway. But you know that someone is watching. I am real and horny when I have sex without knowing anyone is watching. I am STILL real and horny despite knowing that people are watching me. There is a difference. It is like you go to a club and dance, minding your own business, just wanting to enjoy yourself. Suddenly, this handsome man stares at you. You would probably dance more vigorously or flirtatiously to attract his attention, although you look away and act as if you are still minding your own business. Notice that the language of this entry is more colloquial. Anyway, this entry is intended for you.

Again, I want to thank many of you for reading and commenting on my blog. Thank you for your appreciation of my blog.

Xiao Yu, thank you for your advice. I will definitely take actions. Let’s work hard towards our dreams!

Armanda, you are right. Clubbing too much is ‘no life’. But some people think that clubbing at all is ‘no life’. I do not agree. Clubbing is not only about getting drunk. There are the ‘dance’ factor, ’sex’ factor and ‘lose yourself’ factor. Maybe I will blog about them one day.

Darshana, you are a surprise. Like what I said, I will be surprised with ‘who actually reads my blog’.

Vava, maybe I will write about my free clubbing experience with you but maybe not. I have too many ideas on papers awaiting follow-through and elaboration. By the way, please do not get so evil. :p

Yi San, welcome to my blog. Yes I measured my dick with a ruler before. And yes I am ready for those extraordinary questions. I do not feel sorry for my crickets so I do not say sorry to them. Even if I feel sorry, I will not say sorry also. :p

Boo, you can talk to me on phone.

You guys have won a privilege! This is an exclusive entry in which your valuable comments are being commented on! Please forgive me if I do not reply your comments in future. This is the time I want to deal with the notion of ‘being myself’ and ‘pleasing others’ and I have just done it. For reasons mentioned, I will read your comments but will not necessarily reply. I feel that it would be rude and create misunderstanding if I do not clarify here.

I have shot myself in the head. My cerebrum has burst into all directions and the ideas are now scattered everywhere- on papers. I do not know which paper to begin with. But at least it was wise to pull the trigger- so that these ideas would not be kept secret so deep in my mind that I can not see. Now my scrambled brains are visible and I am picking up piece by piece in order to place nicely back into my skull.

I suffered from insomnia. Because it did not matter how hard I tried. Things would not work out. I stopped taking action because ceaseless but same actions would not lead to a new result. I had to use my mind. So, I was figuring out why my basketball failed. I was thinking why no girl would like me. What was the meaning of life? I thought of suicide because there was no point of living. I felt lost. I did not know the reason I was here. Not that today I have figured out the reason. The point of living is me making the point of living by doing what I like. I do not know why I should be here but I do know that I am an existentialist. Life would end in one way or another and I am still thinking what kind of impact I would want to leave in this superficial and artificial world before I say goodbye.

In the process of pouring my heart out to two places of solace and comfort, two girls fell in love with me. I thought about marriage, relationships and the reason friends left me. Do people ever care? People never did. I had to self pity. If not, I had to be humble and inferior so that people would sympathize and feel concerned for me.

My heart is scarred. I cared too much. They did not care. They left me with my shadows. I was trying too hard to bind everyone together. I was the one who minded. They have moved on. I was the one stupid enough to invest my energy into something that does not exist anymore. I was idiotic. They have left. 我是天煞孤星。I am now smart enough not to get attached to people who do not care enough in the 1st place. This time, I say goodbye. I choose who, where, when, how and why. I shall not have any regret. ‘What’ is what I will be getting in future. There is no turning back. And this time, ‘what’ in me is what they should be pursuing, not the other way round. But again, do they care? Most importantly, should I even care whether they care?

看着被你退回的信烧成了灰烬
一字一泪灰飞烟灭我才肯相信
在我们已经僵持的心里
用同样的决心做不同的决定
这样也好我的远行回程就放弃
一站一站带着伤心一路走下去
让异乡我不熟悉的言语
说他们的悲喜
而我再也不必参与
如果说再见
是你最后的消息
为何我怎么想也想不起
你当时的表情
你当时的心情
有没有一点痕迹可寻
如果说再见
是你唯一的消息
我仿佛可以预见我自己
越往远处飞去
你越在我心里
而我却是你不要的回忆

Is there still originality in this world?

Last semester I took writing as a subject in which I produced a piece named ‘It is time to go home’. The narrator gets too sick and tired of the world in which he is living thus he schemes to escape from it. The world has become severely polluted and the hectic and sedentary lifestyle in office saddens the narrator. He has desires to ‘go primitive’ and live in the only protected forest left in the world. One day, he just goes missing. His electricity and phone bills have not been paid. Where is he?

Then, I watched M. Night Shyamalan’s ‘The Village’ yesterday. It depicts about people who live deep in a protected forest to escape from capitalism and other sins. But when a man got stabbed, his lover has got to go to the town to get medicines. The concept of the movie is similar to mine in ‘It is time to go home’. I produced an idea of mine but similar to his.

Is there still originality in this world?

People have exhausted their minds to think of creative ideas. People have been thinking out of the box all the time so that the space outside the box is depleting. I have to think out of outside the box then. But how is it possible when we have been trained under the same regimes of thoughts? With different kinds of thinking; critical, logical or lateral, we seem to arrive at an output similar to others.

I once invented a math’s formula and was thrilled with it until a friend told me that his teacher taught him the same.

Sometimes, I think that my ideas are original and creative but maybe on other sides of the world, these have already been produced. I think that living out of the box would grant me creative ideas. The environment of my room is way beyond the box of a normal young adult’s room. The way I spoke or behaved was different. Now it seems to be homogenized with other people’s. How long have I been resisting mediocrity and normality? Have I finally given up?

I used to think that reading books is ‘bad’ as it will give us an overdose of people’s ideas so that we would no longer be original. To be original, I intended to create something out of nothing instead of someone else’s ideas. I did not want to watch too many movies, read too many books or get exposed so much because I wanted to preserve my originality. But I was wrong. I now need to read more books, watch more movies, and get exposed to new ideas constantly so that I would know what has been produced and what is not. Only then would I not reproduce something.