Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in a world they have been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It is an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It is a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is nothing.
Yo homies! I plan to visit clubs, pubs, discos or bars that I have not been this year! Rush, Loft, Bed, Cynna, Zouk, Velvet, Loft (Above Zouk), Sanctuary, Laundry, Qbar, Flam, Soda, Lunar, Beach, Espanda, Thai, Passion, Poppy and 789 are out! Will be looking into Rum Jungle, Tons, Aloha, Bond, Mesquite, Mason, Nuovo etc. Who is down with me? All I need is 3 guys to share a bottle with me! Speaking of liquor, I also want to try out those that I have not. Again, who is down with me? Who wants to drink with me? Who wants to check out girls? Who wants to dance like no tomorrow? Gimme a hell yeah!
The red curtains are closing from both sides. They close. The tears flow like curtains, closing my cheeks. Why do I have to write in a flowery or twisted way as if I am an emotional person? Yet I am. Those tears never did flow. Who knows that under such cold exterior, a heart breaks? Who knows that grief is going through me when an icy expression is all they see? The sound of my heart shattering I can only hear within me. The tears do not flow. But the heart bleeds. And I know this will pass anyway.
I left, not feeling relieved that I had had my exam. A pain lingers in me and that is the unwillingness to leave. With months building up to today’s performance, everything has ended in the wink of an eye. The same moment will never come back. It has just happened. But what difference does it make whether it has happened just now or had long ago? It is already irreversible. It is gone and it is gone forever.
I did not do well for my exam. I am disappointed with myself. When can I sing like Lihom? I will make it one day. I must. It is my destiny. What pains me is not not doing the show well but the end of the show. Happy memories have to be gone. I can always go into self deceit and tell myself that there will be another day like this. There will not. It is like a lover who has left me permanently. It has happened too quickly.
But I know that with the same people I can’t create a same memory. With different people I cannot either. I can create a new happiness though. Long ago, I was in a dance group and it was one of the happiest moments in my life. Now I wake up knowing that it is the past, like a beautiful dream. Then, when I was in the cheerleading dance group, it reminded me of the old dance group. I was giving all I had, practising hard with my buddies. Again, I was nervous on the day of the performance. But suddenly, everything ended. They walked off like it was another routine. I barely caught my breath. It was gone and I was sad.
We had been learning together in a room. We had rehearsals before today. We worked hard and planned well. We cracked jokes and laughed out our heart. Their expressions, gestures and voices are pacing in my mind, not willing to leave. They would probably wake up the next day, another day and another, eventually forgetting what we did. I know I will not. I can’t forget a single moment we shared our joy and anger. I just will not.
This is not a place for me to release my emotions but a storage for me to repress them. I lock my emotions here and freeze fragments of memories, sad or happy. I will always look forward to a better day, a better performance of mine but memories will be at the back of my head. I know today happened. Today is not a dream. But today has happened so it has got to be a dream. My only regret is I did not hug you guys hard enough…
What is the difference between a dream and the past then? I can’t do anything to control my dream and even if I can, I wake up knowing it did not happen in reality. And I wake up, knowing that something really happened in reality yet I can’t do anything about it either. My past is a dream. I have been dreaming and everyday I am just creating more and more dreams that would never turn into reality once more. Yesterday will never come once more. Yesterday no more.
I did not get together with Bee. I was not with Peggy. I did not fuck Annie. Am I denying the past? No. It is just that it happened like it did not happen. Just like a dream…
