My Blog

An inch of dim and amber flame glimmers in the dark, as if it is going to be extinguished on its own. And as expected, it does. The ambience falls into total anguish because the slighest hope turns into whirling smoke. The presence of evil becomes strong, stinking to heaven. In different languages, gibberish most of the time, they whisper, they sneer and they mock. They talk about the light in which they have been. They think that they are in broad daylight when they are in pitch black simply because they can see in the dark. As these feces, scumbags and scoundrels pee, fart and shit all over the place, a conflagration bursts and wipes out everything. A metallic figure saunters out of the fire, poised, then he strikes with his palm. He clutches the throat of a person, and immediately the assumption that his titanium body is cold is discarded. His palm by which the person’s neck is grabbed blazes with blue fire and melts a hole in the flesh. The hole soon spreads all over the face, opening up the skull. The victim’s eyes, in complete fright, are soon fried. The corpse falls out of his loosening grip, thuds the ground and never makes a sound ever again.

在很久以前，我就已经停止和我班上同学竞争。谁拿第一谁拿第二已不重要，因为我只想在心境的困惑中有所突破。终于，我闯出了地狱似的逆境，起死回生。但很快的，我又陷入了另一个无法自拔的困境。

我不忘记自己是华人。祖先来马来西亚一定有他们的原因。不过倘若中国当时好过的话，他们又为何千里迢迢来这儿？他们是福州省的古田来的。为了是自己，还是他们的后代？也许两者都有。非常令我遗憾的是，我一句福州话都不会讲。只知道自己是卡溜仔而已。祖先，我跪下向您请罪了。一，我不会基本的福州话。二，我没有福州人刚毅和团结的精神。三，我没有福州人的豁达和热情。四，我没有能力像我们的祖帝获得美如天仙的女人。五，我也许是你最后的后代。我希望能像你们一样有恒心但我就只有桓心。

名叫泽桓又怎样？又不是齐桓公。也不是情深深，雨蒙蒙故事中的书桓。我只会羞辱你们而已。

现在，很多华人都不会讲华语。会讲的又不会写。讲写都会的又有哪个是精英？听听他们的咬字。他们讲的一点都不标准。我虽然很努力了但有时还是会说得一塌糊涂。写作方面我也抛弃有一段日子了。现在写着中文字，心中却带有生疏。而且，有些读我网页的朋友不会中文。会中文的又有哪个会对此篇有兴趣？

在英文的国度里，我的程度还好。在中文里，我也只不过是如此。我两头不到岸。

遇到中国人时，我会很愉快，因为他们一样是龙的传人。遇到鬼佬时，我也蛮开心的，因为我会和他们沟通。可是，我就是无法越过一种很难用言语形容的隐形隔膜。

我希望我有个中国女朋友，因为我要拥抱(embrace)她的文化。我希望我有个洋人女朋友，因为我要用英文字打动她的心。我希望有个日本女朋友，因为我只是好色。

我决定做个风流才子。

I was a boy whose eyes shone with dreams and fantasies, that soon turned into ashes. Thus, losing incandescence, my eyes no longer hope.

Imagining was a hearty and fulfilling process as I was growing up because each piece of imagination seemed so real and as if within my grasp. I felt like I was on top of the world, raising my arms, smiling in content. But I was too overwhelmed by dreams and there was no action taken to achieve them. Dreams have turned into dreams. And they are still dreams.

I then gave up imagining for it was painful to imagine. It is a feeling of getting just an inch away from something you want, then you slip and descend from heaven to hell, waking abruptly to know that all these are illusions. Yet I still imagine naked girls, being on top of me or me being in them. Then, imagination is as if satisfied because I have jacked off again. But those imaginations never came true. I was disillusioned, thinking that I have done it.

Now, my eyes are highly aware yet they always trace old datas because the past is concrete and real. It did happen. I could not deny it. There is a sense of realness that I want to feel. But sadly, I always indulge in sad memories, reliving the sense of grief and disappointment.

I dreamt too much and failed so I have stopped dreaming. There are two illusions in this. The first illusion is that I thought I was going to achieve what I wanted without doing anything substantial. The second illusion is more disastrous- I thought that dreaming is a useless attempt because dreaming does not get me to where I want to be. But without consciously dreaming, only the past is a fact. Dreams are always a fiction. I am realistic, looking at ‘what has been’ but no longer have a futuristic sense of ‘what will be’. Dreaming stops and I am roaming from today to yesterday then swinging back to today, oscillating between the both. There is no tomorrow. Tomorrow only exists when I am in tomorrow. Then, tomorrow is only really real when it turns into yesterday. The sense of hope, expectation or anticipation is diminished by the illusion of realness, which is yesterday.

I will dare to dream again. I have a dream! My dream is to transform my dreams into reality! I will create a reality for me. Reality is not decided or defined by what is already there in yesterday. The real sense of realness should be my constant struggle towards what I have in mind. The sweat, the pain and the blood are a sense of vitality and ferociousness, which is more real than anything else. Then gradually but eventually, the formless thought will take the form of real pleasure or satisfaction as a dream is realized or mission accomplished. Yesterday only gives a false sense of realness. As soon as it has happened, it disappears because it is no longer there. It will be pushed back by time. It will be history. There may be damage, scars, signs or emotional impact that yesterday has left for us but the action of causing damage, scars, signs or emotional impact is no longer in action.

I have a dream…   

This process will not be gradual. It will be a clear-cut. But it is not sudden either because it takes the form of writing in order to reconcile internal conflicts. The change will be drastic and there will be no turning back. It is like the news of the death of my grandfather, which came so shockingly, and I was only forced to accept it as it was. Now I will bid myself farewell. I will kill myself tonight and the process is irreversible.

People say that we are our best friends and I doubt it. For years, the battle of good and evil is so great that my soul is weary. It is time to move on from the rudimentary aspects of life as there is a bigger picture to look at.

How many friendships have you screwed up? How many relationships have you ruined? How much of your health have you destroyed? How many things in life have you missed? How many opportunities have you thrown away? How much time have you wasted? How much energy have you squandered?

It was never their fault. It all began with you as you are so powerful.

I see your trick again. It is late night now and you want to drag me through the night so that I lose my sleep and continue screwing up my health. I see another trick of yours. You want me to deal with you all the time so that I will abandon my assignments and get bad grades. You always come and disturb me when I am free to get things done. You are always in my way when I want to rise to a higher level. You always want to make me chicken out. You always waste too much time of mine so that when I finally come to realisation, things are already over.

You are selfish because you only want me to deal with you. You are a sick and obsessed bastard who wants me to be with you all the time. You are jealous whenever I am with other people. No matter what, you still want to surface and make yourself heard. But tonight cry for the last time as I will silence you forever.

When I was in love with her, you wanted me to care about myself. You wanted me to protect myself so much so that I hurt her. You thought of your pleasure so that you went into a relationship with another. Then, you wanted me to think of myself again, hurting another person. For all the years, I thought my enemies are around me but today I have found out that you are hiding deep within me.

I could not even see you. I thought you are part of me. But clearly, you are not. If you are part of me, how come whenever I do something wrong, I feel guilty later? How come I feel uneasy all the time with my actions and speech? You are not me. You will stop controlling me for good.

So, what kind of death do you want? Do you want me to put a gun into my mouth and shoot myself like how the narrator in Fight Club killed Tyler Durden?

I am sick of having sex with you! Stop masquerading as a girl because you are not! Stop sending images of naked japanese girls on top of me. They were never there. And get your hands off me because your hands are a man’s, not a woman’s! I do not want to fuck you anymore nor do I want to get fucked by you anymore.

And people wonder why I am not who I should be when there is so much power that they can sense in me- When I should be getting laid because I look not bad, when I should be doing well in my studies because I am smart and when I should be socializing well because I am a nice guy!

You are a traitor, a betrayer and a loser within me. You have ruined most of my life up till now. I do not know since when you began growing in me but for all these years, you have been riding on my back like no business, driving me nuts and into predicaments or shit I never deserved to be.

Fuck you!

Listen to the song here in my heart
a melody I start but can’t complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
It’s only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all ’cause you won’t listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at the crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what
You’ve made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I’ve gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I’m screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or turned
Into your own
All ’cause you won’t listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at the crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what
You’ve made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I’ve gotta find my own

I don’t know where I belong
But I’ll be moving on
If you don’t, if you won’t

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don’t know what I am feeling
I’m more than what you’ve made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

I know it is cruel to leave someone, let alone parting with myself.

But this time I will make a firm decision to break up with myself, however tough it will be.

My heart has been shattered on several occasions and I am breaking it further, ripping it into half.

It is like a thought of mine in high school: My heart is broken into smithereens then I slowly pick up the pieces and patch them back together. But like a tree branch which is torn and glued back, it will not be as strong as before.

I will have to unleash the ‘imprisoned’.

I have been committing suicide since I was born.

I have been crazy since I was young.

I am in constant conflict with and denial of myself. I will take revenge on myself. I will not let myself breathe. I will inflict pain on myself so that my sufferings will end.

The battle with myself has begun years ago and it has not ended. Everyday, there is a civil war going through my mind, heart and soul. There is a malevolent child, like Mike Myers in Halloween, Jason in Friday the 13th, Freddy in Nightmare on Elm’s Street and Chucky in Child’s Play in me. Then, on the bright side, there are Buzz Lightyear with a harmless laser in Toys story and only me. Mike Myers has twisted my neck 360 degrees so that I lay flat on my nose. Jason has chopped from my head down to my groin, dividing my body into half. Freddy has pierced his razor fingers he stole from Wolverine into my heart. Chucky has set a fire all over my body so that I blaze like Anima Sola.

Every night from now on, I will say goodbye to myself in the mirror because I will return to the womb-like or tomb-like ambience which is dark and peaceful.

I am present and as I let my id take over, the ‘id’ which fits into the word ‘present’ will make me a ‘president’.

I have a very disturbed soul and may myself rest in peace. I think my only cure is perseverance, like an ignited Olympic torch. I will have to hold this torch above my forehead, walk through the alley of shadows and light the cauldron, which will scorch a wire, trailing into a building and exploding it.

Between a victor and a victim, I always want to be the former. The feeling of powerlessness as a result of emasculation, however, makes me feel like a victim. Because I am responsible for everything and anything that happens to me and around me, it burdens my soul even more and when there is nobody else to blame, there is only me. One cut usually does not stop me. I will still charge towards a sophisticated swordman and he will just spin and make a few zig-zag cuts in the air. Only then will I suddenly drop on my knees, with blood oozing out of my wounds and foaming around mouth. But I will not die. I will wail in agony, howl in pain and scream in despair. This is the precise moment when I sink into the quicksand of depression, grains of sand gushing into my nostrils, ears, and filling up my mouth. I kick in vain and in vain. I wallow in self pity.

When will I finally wake up? Why am I always circling, chasing my tail? When people commit suicide, Taoists believe that these unrested souls will not be able to reincarnate. They will be floating apparitions, stuck in a space forever. Some spirits will possess innocent people and repeat the play of their death so that those victims will replace them. There are grudges that seem to be locked in a space…Hence similarly, when I want to get out of all my sufferings, I must love myself. As long as I abandon myself which is also a form of killing myself, I will never be able to be reborn.

When the going is tough, the tough is going. But when a situation is tough, people will want to immerse into the sweetness of the past or the ‘good old times’. This time I will pass. I will look only forward, even though a better tomorrow cannot be imagined. I will force myself to visualize a better tomorrow and come as close as realizing the image of happyness.

All the time I thought
There’s only me
Crazy in a way
That no one else could be
I would have given everything I own
If someone would have said you’re not alone

All the time I thought
That I was wrong
Wanting to be me, but needing to belong
If I had just believed in all I had
If someone would have said you’re not so bad

All the time, all the wasted time
All the years, waiting for a sign
To think I had it all
All the time

All the time I thought
There’s only me
Crazy in way that no one else could be
I can’t believe that you were somewhere too
Thinking all the time there’s only you

All the time, all the wasted time
All the years, waiting for a sign
To think I had it all
All the time

Dr. Ling Liong Sik had held onto the ministeral post as Transport Minister for approximately 16 years, only to resign and let his sons continue his legacy. Has he given up and moved on? Or his sons are the manifestations of his power in the world of politics?

How am I going to be versatile with friends? I must balance my social life so that it will not replace my individual and personal time and space. How about astrology that I always wanted to delve deeper into? How am I able to study it while there are so many other activities to deal with? How about books that have been kept in the drawer for ages? When are the ideas of the century going to germinate in my mind? When am I going to start picking up one and read until the very last page?

Owing to being over-ambitious, I never get to be the real deal in any field. I am Jack of all trades, master of none. I am a jester of all tricks, king of none.

It took 7 times of sprained ankles, collectively on both legs, to slow me down in basketball. Yet, this year I made my comeback as a substitute. During my sophomore year, I was almost the star player in my team. In my first year in Monash, I was one of the lead players, shooting outside the parameter. Then, in the following year, though wearing the old no. of Kobe Bryant- 8, I was a mere substitute, warming the bench, yelling like a cheerleader (Actually as one because I am one), and pacing up and down, not contributing to the outcome of the game. I popped five eggs everyday and hit the gym very often before this year’s game and the only glory I had, was the last few minutes before the last game, gripping a ball at which the opponent threw me, trying to get it bounced off me so that I would be called out. I got a slap in the face at the time he flung the ball in. For all the rigor and vigor of the week, like I was training for a 12 round boxing match, my time in the court lasted for less than 2 minutes.

Then, in the MABA tournament, I got shoved by an uncle. I made a shot and the opponent gave me a ’steamboat cover’. People gazed at me wherever I roamed because of my mohawk. But during the match, I was a warrior struggling to bring what I had inside. I never gave up and moved on. My comeback was an embarrassing one, like Mike Tyson who got thrashed by an unknown opponent, forced into retirement.

The god of accuracy is history. That was the name I took pride in when I was young, making shots like a walk in the park. But today, I am slow, weak and inaccurate. Are my days over?

Now, ‘giving up’ and ‘moving on’ from basketball, I will only play for fun. My dream to get into the national team was long shattered, when a beans stalk stopped growing too soon. But I am not going easy whenever I get into the ring for I do not back down and back off from a challenge.

Nevertheless, another opportunity cost has been cancelled off my list. I have gained more time and energy to do other things. I am swelled for my ability to excel in anything I want to do but I am not a machine which can handle all hobbies and pursuits with efficiency and effectiveness. I always have to sacrifice something if I want something else.

Rome was not built in a day but to build rome it took everyday. It is a new motto for a new King. I will always do my best, headstrong, penis erected, teeth clenched and muscles flexed.

At last, my only concern is with giving up on and moving on from the notion of ‘giving up’ and ‘moving on’. Once people have achieved something, they would ‘move on’ to a bigger challenge. Task by task, one by one, I will get them accomplished. Getting all tasks completed with excellence at once is not easy. I do not have a grenade to cast to explode a group of people or a C5 to blow up buildings. I am also not Bruce Lee who can fight a gang of ubiquitous people surrounding him- A jab, a back thrust, a block, a side kick in continuous rhythm. I am not a scorpion which can sting and crush a prey with my pincers simultaneosly. I crush a snake, eat it, I crush another, I move on. I am a simple one-by-one-take-it-down machine. 

I am ‘giving up’ on and ‘moving on’ from the these three entries. But again, who ever gives up? Who ever moves on? Soon, I will make my comeback to a topic similar to this, maybe in another form. My friend once said that over the years, after reading my blog, I am still me. My style is still mine. Jer Huan is still Jer Huan, however different he may be. People may have moved away from a particular context, mindset, perception or ideology but some old patterns are still traceable in a changed person. Breaking out of one’s destiny? It is fucking tough for every stage of the process- Thoughts, speech, actions, habits, lifestyle and eventually our destiny must be taken into account. In order to change our fate, we must begin with our thoughts.

At the mention of ‘moving on’, moving on does not seem to just cut off like that. The conclusions above seem to still flow nonstop, into a cup which cannot be filled up. Because again, who ever gives up? Who ever moves on? If one is to slice off the past just like that, maybe he or she is just avoiding, which many people actually do. They just let those pain or memories sink in their unconscious.

Given up and moved on at last.

Arnold Schwarzenegger would make his comeback in Terminator 3. He started training again before shooting in the movie. He went back to bodybuilding.

Slyvester Stallone had to make a comeback too. There is a need for a closure in the Rocky series. He came back as the old Rocky Balboa, training again and once boxed his way through all odds. He is also going to star in Rambo 4 & 5.

Since nobody ever gives up and moves on, I will make a comeback too. My absence in the dancing scene will not be long. I am also never away from the clubbing scene. There is a need for me to come back so that I will get what I did not. I will get what has belonged to me in the beginning but was not ready or have not acquired the skills to get it. I will make my return in many ways different and more powerful.

Not many people make powerful comebacks. Usually, their comeback is overrated. Stephanie Sun was away from the music industry for a year and her comeback was a lousy one. The Rock got away from the WWE to star in The Mummy 2, Scorpion King etc. Then, he came back with a new tattoo on his chest plus a beard. The fans got excited but not as excited as when the Rock was fighting Austin. Stone Cold Steve Austin made his comeback as a Sheriff and that got quite a bad reception from the audience. The Rock came back with a little tummy protuding. Austin had to wear a shirt to conceal his. A singlet which displays his flabby arms that were once toned has told the story of the other parts of his body. Jeff Hardy disappeared because he wanted to do music. He is now back, still creating hypes but his legs are less agile, and body less flexible. Ric Flair may claim that his passion for wrestling never fades. He is a perfect exemplication of someone who does not give up and move on. He is now a revolting old man with flabs dangling even with the slightest movement. He never quits but he is like a piece of rotting flesh in the ring. Hulk Hogan comes back still huge and maintained but he is now slow and powerless, only to be beaten down.

Great comebacks are only made by a few. Takeshi Kaneshiro, who starred in several Hong Kong films last time, disappeared for quite a while before coming back. He is now back with a hit- The banquet, Perhaps Love and House of Flying Daggers. He is still a charming young man with skills improved. Andy Lau has always been around, year to year. Yet the older he gets, the better looking he is. He is now ripe with charisma and manliness.

Who has moved on? Leornado Dicaprio, since Titanic, has done Catch me if you can, The Aviator and the latest- Blood Diamond. He always takes on the role of a biographical character. He is stuck within this genre. Both Jim Carey and Ben Stiller can hardly get out of the Comedy genre as well. Since when has Jackie Chan moved away from the Kung Fu genre anyway? Only a few travel relatively free from one genre to another. Will Smith is Muhammad Ali in Ali. He is the pick-up expert in Hitch. He is also an alien fighter in Independence day. What is more, his music is cool. Denzel Washington is Hurricane. He is a good cop in Dejavu as he is a bad one in Training Day.

Not many people are versatile in this world. They cannot give up and move on because once they do, their life becomes meaningless. Some girls are always having relationship problems because in their world, their only pursuit is love. So, once there is no love, they ‘die’. Some people dare not relinquish their religion because that is the foundation of their life. They do not know what to do without it. Their world would come down crashing if they lose it.

Once a person is trained under the Taekwondo regime, it is hard for him to unlearn and pick up other stuff. What if there was a person who could combine all fighting methods without having any martial arts as a ground? It can hardly happen yet Bruce Lee has done it with his creation- Jeet Kune Do. His basis for Jeet Kune Do, however, some may argue, is Wing Chun. But he has adopted other styles without being restrained in the style of Wing Chun.

A breakdancer may find difficulty in doing Latin. Similarly, a Latin dancer may find it hard to do breakdance. People are separated into different disciplines and until today, there is no one person I know who can do it all with the same level of precision for each. By the way, Bruce Lee was a pretty good Cha-Cha dancer. He won the 1st prize for a few competitions. Yet, good as Bruce Lee was, he had to die at an early age. Muhammad Ali who revolutionized the world of boxing has to end up with Parkinsons.

Yet, creative as I am, my writing never veers off wrestling, Muhammad Ali, Bruce Lee etc. I never gave up and moved on. My world is still all about wrestling, clubbing etc.

How am I able to be versatile? How am I able to be an all-rounder super dancer who can do popping, breaking, Latin, shuffle etc? How can I be a super martial artist who can do Karate, Taekwondo, Wushu, Jujitsu, Aekido, Muay Thai etc? How am I able to excel in studies yet having sufficient co-curricular activities? How am I able to be charming, humorous, manly, warm and sweet all at once? How am I able to be muscular yet flexible? How am I able to do all these when my energy is not incessant? How am I able to be good at singing, dancing, acting and modelling all at once? How am I able to be equally good at English, Mandarin and Malay? What about Japanese and French which I want to learn?

I looked at the mirror before I started blogging here. My brows are like knives, emanating aggression. I never give up and move on because I have not attained what I am opting for. Who ever gives up and moves on anyway?

We never ever give up. Not our first love. Not our friends. We never did. We may proudly tell others that we have ‘moved on’. But what is moving on anyway? Does it mean that we do not think of some people anymore? Does it mean that we do not care about them anymore?

If we ever gave up our first love, we would never get into another relationship ever again. There is a need for us to always come back, not to the same person but a new person, as a new person because now we know better how to handle a relationship.

Has Michael Jordan ever given up basketball? He has not. Not even until today. When he was done with Bulls, he came back in the form of a wizard.

Did Muhammad Ali ever give up boxing? Parkinsons gets him trembling all the time but he would not forget his hooks and jabs. He keeps boxing, in the form of writing now. He will not stop boxing even when he dies. People will still visualize him boxing after he is long gone.

If we ever gave up anything, we would cease existing. We would die. We would not be doing anything anymore.

I always make my comeback in a different form. Yesterday I was Jer Huan. Then I became the humsup shooter. Then I turned into ‘The Rock’. Then, I self proclaimed King and I am back, better than ever, worse off in another.

There is a need for humans to grow and assert themselves. Some will pick a girlfriend who resembles their first love so that they can ‘make things right’. Some will become a trainer for a sports in which they had been. Some will treat new friends the way they never treated their old friends to overcome the sense of guilt. Some will modify their appearance. Some will act differently or ‘maturedly’.

Move on? Come on! Give me a break! Nobody has ever moved on. People have only changed. There is a need to change in order to override the past. If one has given up, one wouldn’t care to change. We change for a better tomorrow, expecting different results from a thing for which we change in the first place.

Wonder why some people become introverts after something bad has happened? Wonder why some people have turned flamboyant and slutty after a broken relationship? We just all want to deal with the past. And we continue being that ‘new’ person again and again, day to day, to constantly shove the past into the mud with our shovel. We fear that if we are who we used to be, not only will flashbacks haunt us, we may repeat the same mistakes.

So, we say we have changed and moved on or moved on and changed. Oh, really?

Parents do not give up their dreams that is why they always want us to do what they could or did not do. Of course, they can always say that they do not want us to fail like they have. Or having their children do certain things such as learning how to play a piano is a way of materializing their own dreams?

I educated my boo because my 1st ex never did to me. I treated and satisfied my boo the way my 1st ex failed to do to me. I did to my boo what I did in my first relationship and my boo was a person who was able to sacrifice much more than my 1st ex. Sometimes, I felt like I was becoming like that bitch, treating my boo badly. I was playing Bee again. I was playing a much better version of Bee and my boo was Jer Huan. And through this relationship, I have finally understood Bee’s predicaments while she was with me. I saw my previous predicaments in my boo and I assisted her in becoming a better person. "Don’t be like me. I don’t want you to make the mistakes that I made". I always told my boo that. She had the problems that I faced in my first relationship. It really made me very guilty at times because her heart is so innocent and pure of love, just like how mine was. Am I really such a nice guy as to ‘educate’ my boo or I just want to relive my first relationship in the form of my boo? At least in this relationship, I got to be a man.

Of course, a relationship cannot be summed up with just a theory. There were many theories at work if I were to analyze it.

If I am still the same after a relationship or event, does it mean that I have not moved on? Who ever gives up? Who ever moves on? Today I may abandon circles99, a forum in which my old classmates and I gather to chat. But I will be still giving my love away, to different people. So, does it mean that I have moved on? But I am still doing the same thing! How many times have I abandoned circles99 and made a return? Countless.

I was in a dance group in year 2003. Then, I joined the cheerleading dance group in both 2005 and 2006, talking crap, fooling with girls and making some incomprehensible stunts like I did back in 2003. Today, I have joined a new dance group named Ravelution and you want to know what I do? I do the same thing! Have I moved on? Have I given up? You may say that I have moved on but have not given up. But if I have moved on, would I not be acting differently? So, moving on does not necessarily mean that I have changed? So, moving on means I have turned my attention to something else? Really? Are they not all dance groups?

I just know one thing. I want to be harder, better, faster, stronger.

I must have a follow-through in everything I do. A book is just the beginning.

久未放晴的天空
依旧留着你的笑容
哭过却无法掩埋歉疚
风筝在阴天搁浅
想念还在等待救援
我拉着线复习你给的温柔
暴晒在一旁的寂寞
笑我给不起承诺
怎么会怎么会你竟原谅了我
我只能永远读着对白
读着我给你的伤害
我原谅不了我
就请你当作我已不在
我睁开双眼看着空白
忘记你对我的期待
读完了依赖
我很快就离开