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One of the suckiest things in life is when you will have no choice but to give up on your dreams. Once the dreams seemed so sweet and achievable but all of the sudden, there is a twist of fate and you are faced with no other option but the relinquishment of such dreams.

Whether it was basketball or relationship, my soul was only amputated when I had to give up.

One of the other suckiest things in life is that when you break up with someone, you break up with the entire pack of people. Then, sometimes when you meet your exes, you just pretend like there is nothing but as a matter of fact, there is awkwardness or mild abomination.

As we grow, our minds have turned like leeches. As far as I am concerned, any sadness or memory did not cling onto me when I was a child. As our minds develope, our memory advances. We can capture details or feelings. Then, new phases of life are presented to us as every second ticks but our minds do not register new input but rather dwell on one that is heart wrenching or exasperating.

I need more training. There is a need for a constant rethinking of my life. As we learn, we tend to put old things into new perspectives. We bring new interpretations to what has had happened. But in actual fact, all that is unnecessary for the past is the past.

We want to detach from the past so badly sometimes but it is impossible as the past makes who we are today. But we cannot start anew unless we have an amnesia. We constantly compare now with the past and make necessary amendments so that we could never be who we were. Usually, a system overhaul helps us escape from the grasp of the haunting past. That is why some people have turned gay. They are in denial of the past during which they liked women. Women would be a subject which they would deny for the rest of their lives.

That also explains why a loyal and innocent boy could turn into a playboy. Not everyone is born a playboy. Some people have turned into beasts because of a sad tale behind. Hitch clearly depicts how a geek has turned into a dating expert. I was so going to fully transform into a pick up artist when I have met mi’armour. I am going to give myself another chance to love and be loved.

What we have now is a reconciliation of what that did not work out. As long as we are alive, things will fall into place. Why did I have to meet her and go through shit if I knew that things would end in bad terms? Can I not meet my mi’armour for the very first time? Why did I have to get hurt and break hearts to be where I am today?

If only time travel is made possible so that I could be whisked in any juncture where alteration is necessary. ‘Back to the future’ series is one of my favourite fantasies and I wish to travel in time to fix any imperfection. But time is linear. It moves forward although some of us are cursed to look backward. It is cruel.

Sometimes, I see movie makers as failures because they can only bring fiction into reality through movies, however inspiring they are. I can always achieve closure that I cannot achieve in reality through writing. I can always weave strings of ground breaking ideas and produce a new culture. But how can I invent a time machine?

In my pathetic life, only a few fantasies came true. I have become a prom king on several occassions, setting a record that nobody could defeat. I call myself the King of balls as I have stolen shows and risen to the pinnacle out of mundaneness and passivity in class.

My horoscope keychain says that I am "an individual who regularly achieves his goals". Can the picture of fiction and picture of reality be synchronized? Is the precise picture of reality out of reach? Actually, it is boring to materialize the exact picture of fantasy. I prefer to be caught off guard and surprised.

I love things when they are natural. Scheming, however, can be fun too. I think I should sign up for military training. Sometimes, I wonder my investments are even worth. For example, investing my time and energy in what I have been doing such as blogging. We all want immediate results and visible outcomes but most of the time, nothing can be predicted. I did not even know that I would stumble onto such part time job in Zouk through modelling and emceeing.

There are controversies and adversaries and I only wish to enjoy every moment and thing I do. "Carpe Diem", they say but it is always tough to carry out what we have set out to do. All the best to myself!

What I really need at this point of time is soul searching but I thought I have been doing this all my life. In my quest of searching for answers, there are too many paths and I know each step I take is almost irreversible.

There is a deep desire to be cast away on an island, living out of civilisation. In a world where violence dictates, evil prevails and hypocrisy is the way of life, it is only debilitating to be alive. Many have vowed to change the lives of the unfortunate but only a few have managed to succeed.

I am a tiny drop in the ocean and sometimes, it is invigorating to think of myself as someone great and special. Like I am the one who can do wonders. Maybe I can. God knows. But I do not even know where to begin with. My mother said start with my room as it is in a total mess. Maybe she is right.

As time passes by, I am dragged slowly through its space, from an adorable infant turning into a saggy meat of hair. The brain has not evolved. The innocence stays. The ineptness is a parasite. The stupidity multiplies. I said there is a change in the man in the mirror but then again, I am so trapped in my own ignorance, ideologies and discourses. And that is just how far I can travel across discourses.

I have tested the water with my toes. I always have wanted to be a fierce and lethal martial artist. I always have wanted to have a deathly weapon such as the Katana sword. I always have wanted to be in the military. I always have wanted to fight like Donnie Yen. I always have wanted to spin as a DJ. I always have wanted to be a breakdancer. I always have wanted to establish a fight club. I always have wanted to go to Egypt. I always have wanted to explore all the clubs in KL. I always have wanted to play basketball like a pro. I always have wanted to be a pro bodybuilder. I always have wanted to have sex in a classroom. I always have wanted to delve into satanism. I always have wanted to learn astrology. I always have wanted to possess psychic powers. I always have wanted to know every single truth that seems to just twist and turn in the lies and pretense of humans. I always have wanted to be a stronger person emotionally, mentally and physically.

As I grow up, my demands increase but my resources decrease. Maybe I should be a vegetarian again. Maybe I should fence myself from the world and study Buddhism for a few months again. Or maybe I should just get a job and live my life like a piece of junk. Maybe I should be a writer since writing is what I like to do.

Sometimes, it is just more than a coincidence that things in my life are arranged in a specific way. I begin having a tinge of faith in God. Maybe He does exist. Maybe He does have a plan for all of us. Why do I get lucky sometimes? Why is my life lined up like that? But God, if you really do exist, please find the missing puzzles for me. As days pass by, I can only see myself drifting into an oblivion furnished with my pessimism and obscure predictions. It is always easier to visualize the worst scenarios or situations in life than having a clear vision and bright hopes. I see my life decomposing every single minute.   

When one is afraid of losing someone, he is bound to losing that person.

Anakin Skywalker or Darth Vader was scared of losing his beloved wife and all the things that he did to prevent himself from losing her actually added up to her eventual death. When I was truly obsessed with someone, I had my grips on someone’s neck and that person was suffocated out of love.

Today, I see my life spiralling into the same pattern again and my heart has been blanketed with fear.

I am not a person who throws away things just like that. People lose material possessions and forget about it the next day. I get heartbroken for anything that falls into my palms but slips through my fingers and vanishes.

The outcome of being possessive is only damaging, as anyone could imagine. I grab my babe’s hand all the time, depriving her of space and whatever she requires to live. I refuse to let go of her hand even for a second and in the end, I find myself grabbing the hand of a corpse.

A real life situation was that I had poured heaps of noisy crickets into the aquarium for my tarantula and in the end, it did not even take a bite. Such excess only gave it the reverse effect of appetizing and since then, its days had been numbered.

I fear losing people, objects and even myself. I fear losing my integrity in the face of evil influence. I fear losing what I have held onto so badly. Maybe the person whose hand I hold onto will not turn into a corpse but I will. I would turn into an apparition which has no difficulty passing through walls but has no possibility of clutching my beloved’s hand.

Feeling lost and disoriented all the time.

Do something about it then!

Do what?

Aggression is my daily meal.

What is your purpose in life?

Just do what you want to and have to do now.

Two major things to focus on now: Studies and your babe.

While focusing on those, what else ought you to be doing?

Exercise- Be fit and strong because you must be a macho, macho man!

What do you call ‘masturbating in order to seduce’? Masturbaiting.

What do you call ‘competing to ejaculate the fastest’? Masturbetting.

What do you call ‘masturbating when you are bathing’? Masturbathing.

What do you call ‘masturbating on your bed’? Masturbedding.

What do you call ‘masturbating in a masterbed room’? Masterbedding.