Kept away from enlightenment
What I really need at this point of time is soul searching but I thought I have been doing this all my life. In my quest of searching for answers, there are too many paths and I know each step I take is almost irreversible.
There is a deep desire to be cast away on an island, living out of civilisation. In a world where violence dictates, evil prevails and hypocrisy is the way of life, it is only debilitating to be alive. Many have vowed to change the lives of the unfortunate but only a few have managed to succeed.
I am a tiny drop in the ocean and sometimes, it is invigorating to think of myself as someone great and special. Like I am the one who can do wonders. Maybe I can. God knows. But I do not even know where to begin with. My mother said start with my room as it is in a total mess. Maybe she is right.
As time passes by, I am dragged slowly through its space, from an adorable infant turning into a saggy meat of hair. The brain has not evolved. The innocence stays. The ineptness is a parasite. The stupidity multiplies. I said there is a change in the man in the mirror but then again, I am so trapped in my own ignorance, ideologies and discourses. And that is just how far I can travel across discourses.
I have tested the water with my toes. I always have wanted to be a fierce and lethal martial artist. I always have wanted to have a deathly weapon such as the Katana sword. I always have wanted to be in the military. I always have wanted to fight like Donnie Yen. I always have wanted to spin as a DJ. I always have wanted to be a breakdancer. I always have wanted to establish a fight club. I always have wanted to go to Egypt. I always have wanted to explore all the clubs in KL. I always have wanted to play basketball like a pro. I always have wanted to be a pro bodybuilder. I always have wanted to have sex in a classroom. I always have wanted to delve into satanism. I always have wanted to learn astrology. I always have wanted to possess psychic powers. I always have wanted to know every single truth that seems to just twist and turn in the lies and pretense of humans. I always have wanted to be a stronger person emotionally, mentally and physically.
As I grow up, my demands increase but my resources decrease. Maybe I should be a vegetarian again. Maybe I should fence myself from the world and study Buddhism for a few months again. Or maybe I should just get a job and live my life like a piece of junk. Maybe I should be a writer since writing is what I like to do.
Sometimes, it is just more than a coincidence that things in my life are arranged in a specific way. I begin having a tinge of faith in God. Maybe He does exist. Maybe He does have a plan for all of us. Why do I get lucky sometimes? Why is my life lined up like that? But God, if you really do exist, please find the missing puzzles for me. As days pass by, I can only see myself drifting into an oblivion furnished with my pessimism and obscure predictions. It is always easier to visualize the worst scenarios or situations in life than having a clear vision and bright hopes. I see my life decomposing every single minute.
